2003/03/28
 
09:35

Tetrahydrocannabinological Theory

In a recent discussion on the Skeptics Forum I recently set up, we were discussing some studies that, taken together, suggest that marijuana use actually improves driving skills. I hesitate to claim that the people doing the studies were, umm, partaking. That would be a cheap shot. Instead, I posted the following proposal...

I have a bold new theory to explain the meta-analysis that links pot use with fewer automobile accidents. I've numbered the paragraphs to make it look scientific.

1. According to anecdotal evidence, pot makes some folks paranoid. Such people would be less likely to go outside and drive, lest "They" are out there somewhere.

2. Also according to anecdotal evidence, pot makes people happy doing whatever they're already doing (a.k.a. "mellow"). They'd have less desire to go outside and drive when it's just as fun to stare at a particularly amusing stain on the carpet.

3. Anecdotal evidence also suggests that pot makes just about every kind of food taste good, so there's less impetus to go outside and drive to a restaurant when there are perfectly good leftovers in the fridge, even if it's not entirely clear what they originally were.

4. Anecdotal evidence has it that pot makes some people sleep. Very few people go outside and drive while asleep.

5. Anecdotal evidence indicates that when one is stoned, even reruns of old sitcoms acquire profound meaning. Driven by a desire to understand the implications of "Three's Company" in our vast and mysterious Universe, people are less likely to go outside and drive.

6. If all this anecdotal evidence has basis in fact, then stoned people would drive less than non-stoned people, and would thus get into fewer automobile accidents.

Can we get a government grant to study this? I imagine we'd have no trouble rounding up test subjects.


I wasn't looped-out on some illicit substance when I wrote that. I was, however, operating on zero sleep. I really need something to help me sleep.

No, no, I know what you're thinking. That would be illegal.

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