2003/04/06
 
05:29

Danger: Soup!

I was just making some chicken noodle soup when I happened to read the instructions on the can:

Empty can into saucepan. Slowly add one can of water.

"Slowly"!? Oh, no! I added it quickly! Is it, umm, going to explode or something? Let me double-check the label ... nope, it isn't Cream of Nitroglycerin.

It's not completely silly to use the word "slowly", I guess. It's their way of warning people not to make a splash. I guess the lawyers are worried that somebody will get burned because they haven't mastered the hazardous art of making soup.

Still, it seems to me that they haven't really covered all the bases. Here's my proposal:

Empty the contents of this can into your saucepan. Do not eat can. Very very carefully fill the can with water from your tap. Do not use pond or puddle water. Do not toss water into the saucepan from across the room. Do not eat can. Heat soup very carefully indeed until it is just warm enough to eat. Do not eat can — we can't stress this enough! Carefully eat soup after testing with a thermometer to ensure that it does not exceed the body temperature of a live human by more than 10 degrees Celsius. Dispose of can and lid while wearing heavy gloves and (if available) biohazard gear. Enjoy your meal!

That would keep the lawyers fairly happy, I think.

Of course, you'd need a much bigger can. Unfortunately, that means the instructions would have to include a warning against overeating and obesity. Requiring an even bigger can.

On second thought, maybe it's best to just eat a raw carrot. But please: direct the pointy end away from your body.

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